Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Scrambled thoughts.

I often want to write a post but I don't know exactly what to write. So here goes a stream of consciousness, of sorts.

I want to write about how crazy life is and how I didn't truly understand that until this year. I want to write about how I've changed as a person, both good and bad. I want to write about how sometimes (often, actually) when I think about everything that has gone on this year, I feel like I'm thinking about someone I know, then I realize that I was the one who actually experienced all this. I want to write about the strange combination of numbness, longing, sadness, hope, fear, gratitude, and a thousand other emotions that I cycle through on a regular basis. I want to write about the aforementioned gratitude, that I don't always understand, because I've been so touched by all that I've been blessed with in life, and how it's been magnified throughout these struggles.

I want to write about how nobody talks about what happened anymore, like it's either completely forgotten or it's the elephant in the room. Or how sometimes it's a combination of both, when someone says something without thinking then you can see them remember and look nervous, wondering if they offended or hurt me by what they said. It's okay to talk about it.

I want to write about my dad. About how I feel guilty for his death being overshadowed by Brooklyn's death. About how I never really got to grieve over him. About how sometimes I forget he's gone and go to pick up the phone and call him. About how I hate thinking about the day he died and the three days following that before we lost Brooklyn, because I want to be that naive again. I want to go back to thinking that those four days were the hardest days of my life and I want to have no knowledge of the things that were to immediately follow.

I want to write about my fear of having another baby. How I don't know how I'm going to feel throughout my pregnancy yet. How I'm afraid of getting that positive pregnancy test and having no idea if this baby will be mine to keep. How I'm terrified of waking up from another c-section and seeing Sterling's face again when he tells me our baby didn't make it.

I want to write about how much my faith has grown and I want every single person in this world to know what I know; what I've learned. I want everyone to know our Heavenly Father's love. I want to tell them what they're missing out on, that things can be so much better. And I want them to believe me.

I want to write about how I truly am happy. How I've found peace and comfort throughout this all and how I want to always remember that I'm capable of it.

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