Scrambled thoughts.

I often want to write a post but I don't know exactly what to write. So here goes a stream of consciousness, of sorts.

I want to write about how crazy life is and how I didn't truly understand that until this year. I want to write about how I've changed as a person, both good and bad. I want to write about how sometimes (often, actually) when I think about everything that has gone on this year, I feel like I'm thinking about someone I know, then I realize that I was the one who actually experienced all this. I want to write about the strange combination of numbness, longing, sadness, hope, fear, gratitude, and a thousand other emotions that I cycle through on a regular basis. I want to write about the aforementioned gratitude, that I don't always understand, because I've been so touched by all that I've been blessed with in life, and how it's been magnified throughout these struggles.

I want to write about how nobody talks about what happened anymore, like it's either completely forgotten or it's the elephant in the room. Or how sometimes it's a combination of both, when someone says something without thinking then you can see them remember and look nervous, wondering if they offended or hurt me by what they said. It's okay to talk about it.

I want to write about my dad. About how I feel guilty for his death being overshadowed by Brooklyn's death. About how I never really got to grieve over him. About how sometimes I forget he's gone and go to pick up the phone and call him. About how I hate thinking about the day he died and the three days following that before we lost Brooklyn, because I want to be that naive again. I want to go back to thinking that those four days were the hardest days of my life and I want to have no knowledge of the things that were to immediately follow.

I want to write about my fear of having another baby. How I don't know how I'm going to feel throughout my pregnancy yet. How I'm afraid of getting that positive pregnancy test and having no idea if this baby will be mine to keep. How I'm terrified of waking up from another c-section and seeing Sterling's face again when he tells me our baby didn't make it.

I want to write about how much my faith has grown and I want every single person in this world to know what I know; what I've learned. I want everyone to know our Heavenly Father's love. I want to tell them what they're missing out on, that things can be so much better. And I want them to believe me.


I want to write about how I truly am happy. How I've found peace and comfort throughout this all and how I want to always remember that I'm capable of it.

Is it fall?

We've been wrapping up summer around here and getting into the fall shenanigans (I know, it's only August. But summer lasts about 1.5 months here in Idaho, it seems). Sterling is officially in harvest mode, in that combine from before sunrise to after sunset.

 I'm suddenly realizing that I still haven't painted the master and Brynleigh's bedroom yet, even though I swore I'd do it this summer. So there's still just a patch of missing wallpaper in my bathroom. Whoops. My new goal is to have it finished by the end of spud harvest. I've also yet to potty-train Brynleigh, or break her of the bink habit. More summer goals I've failed to meet. Again, whoops.

The Caribou County Fair has come and gone. Did y'all know that Fair Week is my favorite time of the year? Seriously. I love it. Sterling makes fun of me for it. But it's just so cool and makes me feel so country. And, people get shot at the fairs where I'm from, so this tiny, tame fair here is just so refreshing and nice and wholesome. Wholesome minus those three teenage boys sitting behind us at the Demo Derby. It took everything in me not to turn around and offer a bar of soap after the four F-Bombs they dropped in one conversation.

Anyhow, here are our last couple of weeks in pictures.

Sterling has wanted a nice recliner ever since we got rid of the one we had in Moscow. So, this was his (early) birthday present. Brynleigh loves it. PS: We bought it from the coolest lady down in Providence. Turned out she's all into holistic stuff and we had a good talk and she recommended a lot of people in the area.

Morning snuggles while watching us some Paw Patrol.

Checking out the animals at the fair.

Caribou County Rodeo! Brynleigh lasted about 20 minutes before I called my mom to come get her because she thought climbing all over the scary bleachers was appropriate.

Picking up candy during the fair parade. Did I mention the parade goes right in front of our house?! Another reason I love Fair Week.

Candy Candy Candy. Once she figured out that people were throwing candy at her and Mom & Dad were letting her eat it, she was digging it.

Pantsless and wearing Dad's boots while yelling "Yeehaw!".

Sterling cooked breakfast last weekend. The man never cooks, so it was worth documenting. Oh, and he wore my pink cupcake apron.

These two just love each other.

Lately, her thing is climbing into the glider in her room with all the books she can find. I often hear her babbling away, reading them aloud. 

We went to Bear Lake with some friends yesterday. Brynleigh joined right in with the big kids and loved every minute of it.

She also spent the afternoon eating sand. Whenever I told her not to, she let out a big "MMMM!" in an attempt to convince me that it actually was quite tasty.

What a little model baby, right?

Her first time riding in the combine with Daddy today.

Helping cut grain.

This farming thing was pretty exhausting.

Our Lives Lately...

 Summer is going to be over before we know it--it's August, I mean seriously?! We've had some fun adventures so here's a recap and pictures of some of the events.

At the end of June, Brynleigh, my mom, and I took a road trip down to California for my oldest and dearest friend, Sunnymarie's, wedding. 

Brynnie on the drive down to CA being a ham with her new sunglasses.

 

Sweet little flower girl!

All the bridesmaids and the beautiful bride (really though, isn't she gorgeous?)

Love her. We've been friends since kindergarten!

Sunny had these cute shirts monogrammed for each of us to get ready in.

Me, Sunny, and Corina, my other friend from our kiddie days (and the genius matchmaker who introduced me to that stud I'm married to :)

 Brynleigh and I had a swimming date together over in Lava. She's a little fish. After the pool, we went and got ice cream. Little Girl loved it.

We've been working on potty training. Bryn knows all her potty words and tells me when she poops (TMI? Sorry) so we picked out her very first big girl undies--Dora, of course. She insisted on carrying them around the rest of the day. But when it came time to actually wear them, she went through 3 pairs before 9am. So, we're trying a different route. We're just taking it slower and I am trying to convince her that the potty is better than diapers.  I know she understands the concept, she's just so dang stubborn. 

 We went raspberry picking! There's a place in Blackfoot we found last year and loved, so we went back for more this year. And made some yummy jam!

 Attempting to take a cute picture at the raspberry patch. But it was super windy and the child didn't want to cooperate....so this is as good as it gets.

Last weekend we went to the Stoddard family reunion at Downata Hot Springs. We rented a cute yurt there for the night. Brynleigh refuses to sleep anywhere but her crib, so it was a rough night for us all. Above is a picture of her laying down for about 2.5 minutes and watching a movie. Then she spent the rest of the night climbing over us in bed and head-butting us while laughing hysterically. 

Sleepy girl after a day of swimming at Downata. 

A couple of days ago, this sweet girl fell headfirst down the stairs and gashed up her nose pretty good. It was her first bloody nose, and was pretty swollen, so naturally I freaked out and wanted to take her to the ER. We didn't, and luckily she was just fine and woke up the next morning looking much better. 

Silly girl started yelling "Snake!" and hissing the other night while we were all outside. Again, I freaked out and frantically started searching for the snake in our yard. Turns out, it was just a slug that confused Brynnie.  Love that girl.

 Today, Sterling & I went with the Young Men (Sterling is the 1st counselor) to the Ogden Temple open house. It is SO dang pretty on the inside. 

And I'll leave with a picture of this cute girl playing at the playground across the street from our house tonight. She climbs up and goes down the slides all by herself now. Can't believe my baby is so big!