We're back!

I know it has been months since I blogged, but I'm back! And with a plan to get back to regularly updating. We recently decided to buy a desktop computer so that'll make it much easier! SO here's a quick update of our lives the past few months:

Brynleigh turned 3 at the beginning of the year. And she's a total threenager, oh my goodness.The attitude kills me. The things she says and does are ridiculous, and sometimes I can't help but laugh even when she's actually being really naughty! She adores other kids and is a social butterfly once she gets over her initial shyness. Spending too much time just hanging out at home with me and Judson drives her crazy and contributes to her acting up, so I've been trying to combat that lately! It's so hard to get out and do much during these brutal Idaho winters, so I'm ecstatic that spring finally seems to be showing up. We started her in gymnastics and cheer this week to help her get that outside interaction she needs and also get some energy out!

Judson just turned 9 months old. I cannot believe how quickly he is growing up! He's the sweetest baby. He's always smiling at anyone who will look his way and is super friendly. Such a little flirt! He's a total momma's boy, which I am 100% okay with. 

 He still loves to be worn in his wrap, so he's in there at some point almost everyday. We're still nursing, but now that he's started solids he loves eating anything I'll give him. Little boy loves food! We're also cosleeping still, which I love, though I wish he slept a little better. He'll start out in his crib in our room for a couple hours, then wakes up pretty much the moment we go to bed. He wakes up anywhere from 2-5 times a night to nurse. I wish he'd sleep through better, but when he knows his food source is an inch away all night long, you can't really blame him!

 

Brooklyn's 2nd birthday was a couple of weeks ago. We took balloons and flowers out to her grave, which was completely covered in snow. In some ways it seems like it's been forever since we lost her, but in others it feels like there's no way it's already been two years. It's pretty surreal at times. 

Our whole family got a really nasty cold a few weeks ago. Judson got it the worst. He was super congested and his breathing sounded pretty bad, especially at night. I'm usually the paranoid mom who always runs her kids to the doctor just to be told "Well, just keep an eye on him/her", so I put off going into the doctor. After a couple bad nights, I finally made an appointment. As soon as the appointment was set for later that day, Judson started sounding much better. I debated even going, since our pediatrician is an hour away, but decided to go just for the heck of it, even though I was sure they'd say just to watch him, use a humidifier, the usual.

Once we saw the doctor, he acted like Judson sounded horrible. He was shocked when I told him this was by far the best Judson had been over the past few days! Yeah, talk about feeling like an awful mom. They admitted him to the hospital and after giving him steroids and a nebulizer treatment and observing his oxygen levels overnight, we were released! So moral of the story is that I'm okay with being the paranoid mom in the future.

 Exciting news about our old house! We got new carpet installed in the bedrooms (Bryn's room had turquoise shag and ours was mildewy white) and put down new flooring in the kitchen and dining room! Why anyone would ever put carpet in a kitchen is beyond me. It was disgusting. It ended up being a slightly bigger job than expected, as the guys had to build a totally new subfloor. When they ripped up the carpet, we discovered that it was glued down so much of the previous subfloor came up with it. Seriously though, the people who owned this house before us made it as weird and difficult (and ugly) as possible. Anyway, our house is now a hundred times better after those projects. We still have plenty of work to do over time (helloooo red shag covered spiral staircase to the loft!), but I'm so happy we finally fixed some of these big projects.

And I'll leave with a picture of my babies at Costco. Because I can't be the only one who thinks those double-seat carts are the most adorable thing ever. Swoon.

Judson's birth!

So Judson is now over 4 months old. And I'm just now getting around to writing down his birth story. Whoops!

Anyway. We got to the hospital at 4:30am the morning of Monday, June 1st. My c-section was scheduled for 6:30. They prepped me then a woman needing an emergency c-section came in, so my doctor had to deliver her first and mine was pushed back.

Finally it was time to be wheeled back into the OR. Sterling had to wait outside while I was prepped some more. They gave me a spinal that hurt liked freaking crazy. I had an epidural with brynleigh, no problem. But for some reason this one was awful horrible, sending spasms of pain throughout my body. A few minutes later, I started feeling super sick. Nausea and full body aches that felt like I was hit by a train. I actually thought I was dying there for a bit. Sterling got to come in finally and helped me communicate how awful I was feeling. I got some oxygen and meds and finally started feeling a little better.

Then came the part where they cut me open and all that good stuff. Everything was fine until they tried pulling Judson out and he was stuck in my ribs. A couple minutes of my doctor and the student doctor banging around in my ribcage (also extremely painful) and he was out! We got a quick look then the nurses took him to the corner of the room to be evaluated. Everything was fine at first, then they told us his oxygen levels were down just a little, so they were taking him to the NICU for a quick look.

After a couple hours of my constant asking when I get to see my baby, the nurses let me go walk (walk! Mind you, I was just cut open. I was a pretty determined momma) to the NICU to see him.

OH my goodness, was he a sweet little guy! So tiny, so cute. He was hooked up to a bunch of wires, but they let me hold him and nurse, and he nursed like a little champ right away! He was (and still is) the snuggliest little boy.

His lungs were just a little underdeveloped since he was a bit premature  (just over 37 weeks) so he had some trouble keeping his oxygen levels up. He was jaundice as well, so he spent some time under the lights.

Oh, and during my c-section the doctor accidentally knicked my bladder (I had some scar tissue in there that made things a little messy and hard to see) so I had to have a catheter put in for a week. Then, to make things even more fun, I got an awful kidney infection from that while in the hospital, and had to stay a few extra nights. But really, that ended up being pretty nice because I was able to spend 5 of the 7 nights that Judson was in the NICU right down the hall from him, so it all worked out.

So yes, Judson ended up having to stay a week exactly in the NICU.  It was so long and hard and emotional. They thought he'd only be there a day or two, then it just kept getting lengthened. It felt like he was never going to come home. Thankfully the nurses and doctor in the NICU were great, except for the one nurse who decided to tell the already-an-emotional-wreck-me that we should expect Judson to stay 3 weeks. Who knows where she got that from since no doctor ever thought that, but she felt the need to get me all worked up over that.

We finally had to leave the hospital on Saturday and that was seriously one of the hardest things I've ever done. I was used to heading to the NICU every 3 hours around the clock to nurse and cuddle, so I hated not getting to be there. (I'm happy to report though that even through our NICU stay Judson never had to have a drop of formula! Yeah for successful pumping!) We would leave as late as we could Saturday and Sunday night, run home to sleep and see Brynleigh then race back first thing in the morning. It was so hard. And we missed brynleigh like crazy too! That was another hard thing, she got to come visit us at the hospital most days, thanks to our moms, but I just felt so disconnected from  her, I missed her so much! And she never got to see Brother in the hospital. So we just kept telling her about him and showing her pictures, but we weren't able to actually let her meet him til he came home.

Then finally, Monday morning we were able to bring him home! Seriously the best feeling. Man, having a NICU baby is insanely hard. It was scary bringing him home too, because his oxygen levels would still drop a bit so I was paranoid and checking him for blue lips constantly. But he was great! He never had any other problems and has been perfect!

Now that this birth story is finally written down, stay tuned for an update!

Sterling took this picture while I was still in recovery and hadn't really seen Judson yet.

My first time holding him!

Under the lights.

Brynnie meeting brother!

Coming home!

She loves him.

Brynleigh Grace at Two.

This, as usual, is a long overdue post. My baby has been 2 for almost two months! I still can't believe she is so old. Here's an update on her!

As always, she's so smart. She has a huge vocabulary and knows the most random things. A few weeks ago she just started telling me about telescopes and how you can look at the moon through them. No clue where she learned that but I was blown away!

She loves singing. Her favorite songs are I Am A Child of God, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star (both of which she knows the whole thing), Book of Mormon Stories, and the ABCs. She can sing all her ABCs now and recognizes most letters. Thank you SuperWhy! (Seriously the best kids show. PBS.). Oh, but unless it's when I'm tucking her in at night, she HATES it when I sing. Whenever I try to sing along with a show she's watching, or even singing in the car, she starts yelling "NOOOOOOOO! NO MOM!" I guess I really am that bad of a singer.

She loves babies and kids, but she's super shy around adults other than family. Whenever someone talks to her, she immediately looks down and won't lift her head until they walk away. She loves nursery now and loves talking about the other kids. She calls all the boys 'Parker' and all the girls 'Quinn'--Parker is her favorite little boy and Quinn is her favorite girl. And she's convinced that Quinn's older sister Paige is still in nursery every Sunday, even though she graduated to Sunbeams at the beginning of the year.

Our latest thing we've been working on is differentiating between boys and girls, or 'ladies and boys', as Bryn calls them. She's really good about adults (we'll ask her what Mom, MeMe, Daddy, Poppa, etc are), but kids are harder. She knows she's a lady and baby brother is a boy, but gets confused on others. It's pretty cute though. 

Potty training has been our downfall. This girl just does not want to do it. She totally understands the concept, but she is just so dang stubborn. She uses the potty all the time, but just not everytime. She only wants to do it on her own schedule. She throws a tantrum and refuses if I just try to make her go at intervals. She loves wearing her big girl undies, but doesn't care about having accidents in them. She asks to go potty whenever we enter a store, because she knows I'll buy her a treat if she goes. Seriously, this girl knows how to work the system. And she always asks to go during Sacrament meeting in church because she sees her newly potty-trained friends getting up to go to the bathroom with their parents. So yeah, she's really good about going potty sometimes, we're just having a tough time with the consistency part of it. Oh, and she recently went through a phase where it was near impossible to change her diaper because she laughed hysterically and squirmed all over, insisting her 'lady parts' were extremely ticklish while being wiped. Sterling also thought this was hysterical, likely because he wasn't the one trying to change the diaper.

She now sleeps in a big girl bed! We converted her crib into a toddler bed months ago, then we just bought her a twin bed earlier this week. She loves it and is doing great! Every morning she wakes up on her own and comes running into our bedroom and demands food ASAP. Then, of course, once we drag ourselves out of bed and make her breakfast, she gets caught up playing and ignoring her food for at least 20 minutes.

She's such a picky eater, by the way. She has her certain foods she'll eat, and she's not a big fan of branching out. Luckily her favorite foods are mainly healthy ones, but I definitely wish she'd eat a wider variety of food. Her favorites are yogurt, cheese, almonds, any fruit, baby carrots, pretzels, and eggs. Right now she's also really into eating oatmeal (with homemade jam) for breakfast and eating peanut butter straight off a spoon. And she's always a fan of candy, but what child isn't. She used to like meat a lot, but we've been having a really hard time getting her to eat any lately. I'm really hoping she gets out of this picky stage soon because I hate having to make up a separate little plate every night at dinner, since she rarely will eat what we're having.

She loves to help me cook. Whenever I go into the kitchen she's demanding I pull a chair up to the counter for her. She loves helping stir when we bake something, and is lightening-quick to dig her hand into the bowl and eat a handful of plain flour.

She loves baths and showers. She showers with me every day (or every other day, let's be honest, showers don't always happen) and takes a bath before bed every night. She just loves water. And bubbles.

I could go on about this girl for days, so I better stop and give you some pictures of her lately! 

Loving bathtime and her toys.

She loves this game. The baby doll freaks me out.

Loving the chocolate covered strawberries MeMe made us.

We went to Twin for Cousin Sam's basketball game. She is obsessed with 'Shaaam'.

Playing with MeMe. MeMe is the one who invented this weird baby in boots game.

Playing at the park! We had such nice weather!

Seriously, melt my heart.

She loves playing hide and seek. One time, it was her turn to hide so she dragged this from the play room into the living room to hide in. Totally not obvious or anything.

She had a sleepover at MeMe's house last month when Mom and Dad decided to take a little getaway to the hot springs. She did great and loved her backpack.

Ignore the super dirty mirror, but this girl LOVES looking in the mirror. And taking selfies. We're in trouble with this one.

This was from my birthday. My mom had us over for cake and this is how the animal decided to eat hers.

Having a playdate with the famous Paige and Quinn. She loves these girls.

Playing with cousin Lizzie.

Playing in the snow last month. She loves snow and doesn't care about freezing her little hands.

This was at the Achievement Day Luau last week. One of the teens was pulling the little girls around the gym. Brynleigh was being shy and trying to hide how much fun she was having.

Pregnancy Update

I really need to get back into this blogging thing. I've been meaning to write for weeks, but the only time I'm ever really able to get on the laptop (no way I'm typing this much on my phone) is after Miss Brynnie goes to bed, but Sterling is obsessed with family history lately so he's got the computer pretty much every night.

I'm just about 24 weeks along now with baby boy! I had Brooklyn at 24+2, so I'll be happy to get past these next few weeks and into a safer period. The whole 2nd trimester is pretty nervewracking for me, I can't wait to get into the 30s so I can relax a little.

But everything has been going really well so far! We had one little scare at 18 weeks. I had awful stomach pains, so of course I got a little hysterical and we took a trip into Labor & Delivery. But everything checked out just fine with both baby & I, so um, maybe I'll just have to lay off the Cafe Rio for the rest of this pregnancy ;)

Our 20 week scan was great, they checked for some markers for Down Syndrome and everything looked normal there, so that along with our Harmony results from earlier are pretty reassuring. They were also able to measure my cervix so make sure it wasn't showing any signs of preterm labor, and it looked great as well.

I've been measuring a few weeks ahead this whole time, but baby measured right on track, so yeah....my uterus is just a giant balloon. We found out I have an anterior placenta this time, which I was suspecting because it took quite awhile for me to feel kicks regularly. But now this boy is kicking up a storm 24/7. Sterling has been able to see him move from the outside for a couple weeks now, so that's always fun. We're to the point where I can feel actual little body parts popping out, not just kicks.

 He's in my ribs a lot already too, which makes me nervous about the fact that we still have over 13 weeks of growing to do and he's already making me so uncomfortable! Seriously. I'm having a hard time breathing and bending over to put on my shoes and everything already. It's crazy. I definitely feel like this is going to be my hardest, most uncomfortable pregnancy. Also, my belly button is just about popped out, which is strange because even at 40+ weeks with Brynleigh, it never came very close to popping even. I know I'm carrying him a little lower than I did my girls, so I guess that must be it. Or I really am just obscenely huge.

We got our c-section scheduled for first thing the morning of June 1st. My doctor originally wanted to deliver me between 36 and 37 weeks, but he's letting me go a little over 37 now, as long as everything continues looking good. We are so dang anxious for June to get here! I want him to stay put and healthy so I'm not hoping he surprises us and comes early at all, I just want these months to hurry by.

I'm not sure if y'all have noticed, but there's a definite baby boom going on right now. I know about a million pregnant (or just had a baby) women right now. My news feed has been filled with ladies due between February and July. There were a ton of February babies just born, so I feel like my time is getting closer now that these babies have all started making their entrances! There's a couple in March then I know quite a few who are due in May, so that's our next milestone, then it'll be our time right after that! So exciting. Anyway, I have a couple most things I've been wanting to post about so hopefully I'll find some time to actually do that here soon!

Baby boy!

The news is out, baby #3 is on his way! I wasn't planning on announcing quite yet, but my in-laws have been getting a lot of questions about whether I'm pregnant (this belly makes it pretty obvious) so we decided that Christmas would be a good time to let the news out officially. Hopefully now I'll stop catching people staring at my stomach in church ;)

I'm just about 15 weeks along. Baby boy's actual due date would be June 20th, but since I had a classical cesarean with Brooklyn, my doctor wants to schedule this c-section for 36ish weeks to hopefully avoid me going into labor on my own and risking rupture. So that puts us at the end of May for meeting this guy!


We got the results back from our cell free DNA testing (checks for genetic disorders) at 12 weeks and found out that this baby appears to be perfectly healthy! We still are at a small (less than 1%) risk for uniparental disomy 14, since the test can't check for that, but we're in the clear for Down Syndrome so we're feeling pretty good about things. I'm still of course paranoid about everything, but I think it'll be that way until this baby is in my arms and healthy. The test also was able to tell us the sex of the baby, so that's how we found out so early!

The pregnancy has been going good so far. Some nausea, lots of fatigue, and tons of headaches, but it really could be worse. My belly has been huge since day 1. Seriously. People started asking if I was pregnant at 8 weeks. At my last appointment, my doctor was blown away by my growth. He said he couldn't believe my uterus had grown so fast and that I'm measuring 3 weeks ahead. I started feeling little kicks about a week ago. I can't wait for them to get stronger so we can see them from the outside! That's my absolute favorite part of pregnancy.

We're really just feeling so so blessed. Since we are at such a high chance of losing the baby with each pregnancy, it's been such a relief knowing that this baby appears to be problem-free, and that we've been able to make it to where we are! In the early weeks, I was on constant edge expecting to miscarry. When my doctor called to tell me we're having a healthy baby boy, I started bawling and couldn't even talk. Then I called Sterling and bawled some more. Then I called my mom and bawled yet again. I'm just so happy to be carrying this sweet little boy and am so excited to meet him. We're just praying for this pregnancy to continue going so well and uneventful!

Reflecting on my baby

I just made the mistake of going back through my old blog posts from when Brynleigh was a newborn. Ohhh my goodness. When did my baby get so big?!

 

 

^^ How cute is this little person?! Seriously. 

She counted from 1-10 today. Not even joking. She knows her full name. She can tell you what sound just about any animal makes. And we converted her crib into a toddler bed a few nights ago.

The first night she woke up at 4am, wandered out of her bedroom and made it into the dining room before she got lost in the dark and decided to sit down and call for me to come find her. She finished the night out in our bed ("The Big Bed"). Last night, she fell out of bed but went back to sleep pretty easily once I came and tucked her back in.

She's been refusing to nap in her own bed though. A couple weeks ago I let her nap with me in the Big Bed because I was sick, and now she insists on only napping there. So, I guess I'll just take advantage of the fact that my toddler basically forces me to nap with her. Plus, I get lots of 'nuggles.

I know I already said this, but she is smart. So, so smart. She catches onto concepts and I have no idea how she even knows them. And she's hilarious. Everything she does is so funny. And she knows it. And she uses that to her advantage. Little stinker.

But really, she's the most perfect little person. I want ten more of her.

Scrambled thoughts.

I often want to write a post but I don't know exactly what to write. So here goes a stream of consciousness, of sorts.

I want to write about how crazy life is and how I didn't truly understand that until this year. I want to write about how I've changed as a person, both good and bad. I want to write about how sometimes (often, actually) when I think about everything that has gone on this year, I feel like I'm thinking about someone I know, then I realize that I was the one who actually experienced all this. I want to write about the strange combination of numbness, longing, sadness, hope, fear, gratitude, and a thousand other emotions that I cycle through on a regular basis. I want to write about the aforementioned gratitude, that I don't always understand, because I've been so touched by all that I've been blessed with in life, and how it's been magnified throughout these struggles.

I want to write about how nobody talks about what happened anymore, like it's either completely forgotten or it's the elephant in the room. Or how sometimes it's a combination of both, when someone says something without thinking then you can see them remember and look nervous, wondering if they offended or hurt me by what they said. It's okay to talk about it.

I want to write about my dad. About how I feel guilty for his death being overshadowed by Brooklyn's death. About how I never really got to grieve over him. About how sometimes I forget he's gone and go to pick up the phone and call him. About how I hate thinking about the day he died and the three days following that before we lost Brooklyn, because I want to be that naive again. I want to go back to thinking that those four days were the hardest days of my life and I want to have no knowledge of the things that were to immediately follow.

I want to write about my fear of having another baby. How I don't know how I'm going to feel throughout my pregnancy yet. How I'm afraid of getting that positive pregnancy test and having no idea if this baby will be mine to keep. How I'm terrified of waking up from another c-section and seeing Sterling's face again when he tells me our baby didn't make it.

I want to write about how much my faith has grown and I want every single person in this world to know what I know; what I've learned. I want everyone to know our Heavenly Father's love. I want to tell them what they're missing out on, that things can be so much better. And I want them to believe me.


I want to write about how I truly am happy. How I've found peace and comfort throughout this all and how I want to always remember that I'm capable of it.